The Hidden Trauma Behind People-Pleasing at Work

[: 00:00:00

Unlock. We're all about those light bulb moments. I'm talking to people who are still trying to figure out what they're meant to do, coaching them life to reach that magical, yes, this is it moment, and we'll also hear from those who've already found their dream careers and figure out exactly how they did it.

Whether you are looking for inspiration or actionable advice on finding a career you love, I've got you covered time to unlock some career clarity. Let's dive in.

ally excited and nervous for [: 00:01:00

I'm one of them. So I wanna start with what happened two days ago. I was on a call with someone. It was a work related call with someone who is in a helping position. I pay them to help me, and they spoke to me in a way that was absolutely unacceptable. We are not talking about a misunderstanding. I think they intended it as tough love, but it went way past tough laugh.

e nicely and nod my head and [: 00:02:00

I freeze because I feel like I can't get away. Um, and then there's functioning parts of me taking over who continue the conversation. I smile, I nod. I keep the peace while my, the rest of my body goes into a survival mode or freezes or it disappears. Um, after that call, I cried for three hours. My system was erected.

to them. I'm actually paying [: 00:03:00

I'm not even in corporate anymore. I'm an entrepreneur. But even given all those circumstances I had this. Trauma response that frees fa response in that moment instead of being assertive, instead of PE speaking up. And it's a part of me that keeps the peace at all costs that took over in that moment.

And that really made me dig deep and figure out why, where does this piece come from and why do I respond in these ways? So today in this episode, we're gonna unpack why so many women like me struggle to speak up specifically at work and why we freeze or fawn instead of saying, no, excuse me, but that is not okay.

ng too nice or not confident [: 00:04:00

We are gonna go deep starting in the childhood dynamics all the way to current workplace reenactments. And I hope that you will walk away from this episode with a trauma-informed shame-free roadmap to start reclaiming your voice at work. If you are new here, welcome to Career Clarity Unlocked. I am Theresa White, career clarity expert, five times certified career coach, and the only coach who guarantees you career clarity.

days. Since: 2020

And I'm so curious to hear from all of you listening in here, is this something that you've ever experienced? Have you ever been in a situation like this or completely different, where someone spoke to you in a way or treated you in a way that was not okay? But instead of asserting yourself, you froze or fond and stayed small.

a parking garage and started [: 00:06:00

Despite that being absolutely inappropriate. Also, these scores are measured on a three months basis. So someone who started not even a month ago, has very little impact on these scores. But instead of standing up and be like, absolutely, no, this is not okay, I just stayed quiet. I was like, oh my God. Of course I'm scared.

I'm young, I'm new in the role. I absorbed his anger. I didn't defend myself. And I didn't point out the very obvious unfairness, so I just was standing there like, yeah, I'll do better. And it still bothers me when I think back to that moment of how does someone treat someone like that, a new employee that was vulnerable, blaming them for something they didn't cause.

[: 00:07:00

I, I could swear that in my time in corporate, I probably called in sick less than five times over the years. This might've been my first or second time ever calling in sick. Um, but that morning I woke up and I was really dizzy. I had no idea why I woke up feeling so dizzy. I wasn't out partying or anything.

uld've able to drive to work [: 00:08:00

And he was demanding that I come in or I have to find someone who covers my shift. I was one out of four assistant branch managers, so there were only three people who could have possibly covered for me, and I had then reached out to all three of them. All three said like, so sorry, I wish I could help you, but I can't.

And my manager was like, well, too bad, so sad. Then you have to come in. And I was so desperate. I called the area manager, left her a voicemail. I was like, I don't know what to do, but I don't feel safe driving. I need to go see a doctor. I have to come in. I don't know what to do. She never replied to my voicemail.

el super guilty because that [: 00:09:00

I was legitimately sick and instead of protecting my boundary, I was okay with being yelled at, shamed. Being made to feel guilty without seriously pushing back. And in the end, I carried not just the fear of being physically unsafe, of feeling so dizzy, but I was also told I'm the problem because I was the one who called in sick.

le I'm gonna share with you, [: 00:10:00

I hear so much from my clients by now. I could probably write a book 10 years over, so maybe I will write a book one day about the things we tolerated work. Okay. That we should never, ever have to tolerate. So, third story about my pay plan, and this goes back eight years ago. Um, I was in recruiting, commission-based recruiting position and I was killing it.

you so much for what you're [: 00:11:00

You worked so hard, you are gonna get a 3% pay increase. But we also doubled your sales target. And in that moment, I couldn't calculate fast enough. I was like, okay, okay, okay, okay. After she left, I calculated it out and I'm like, wait, I'm making a thousand dollars less per paycheck because my sales targets were doubled.

So even with a 3% pay increase, that cuts a thousand dollars per paycheck, that's a huge pay cut. I talk to my, manager and explain like, Hey, I feel like this is not fair because I'm losing a significant amount of money from each paycheck as a reward for working super hard over the last year.

That doesn't seem right.

ay cut, and she and her boss [: 00:12:00

Now in that meeting, I froze typical freeze phone response. I just sat there and nodded, said absolutely nothing, and was just okay. Okay, okay. Okay.

f course, I didn't feel safe [: 00:13:00

So again, I froze. I fond, nodded my head and did nothing. And there's so many more examples I could share with you over the years from work examples to personal examples, but this really hit me hard when the same thing happened again two days ago, where someone talked to me in a way that I should have never let anyone talk to me, and I do not defend myself.

I just sit there quietly, freeze fawn and do nothing. So when I woke up that next morning, as I had shared earlier, I was like, no, I will not ever let anyone speak to me that way. And first I was hard on myself. I was like, why are there some people who can just be so assertive and so confident and they don't struggle with this?

to be more assertive or have [: 00:14:00

And they learned early that safety doesn't disappear when they speak up. And they generally felt confident that if things went wrong. Someone would have their back and they were not as much condition to people please. They had much less pressure to obey and more freedom to push back.

And today when they say no, this is not okay. That isn't just their confidence showing, but it's really a muscle memory from safety and support that built throughout their childhood and entire life. Versus us less assertive women, we often learn to survive by appeasing, being agreeable, keeping the peace.

either punished or ignored. [: 00:15:00

Our life depends on them. We are not able to survive without them. Our life depends on the connection to our caregiver. So our brilliant mind learns to keep us safe. Safety equals. Being accepted and in connection with our caregiver and our brilliant mind learns like, okay, if we just keep the peace. If you're agreeable, don't set boundaries.

afe, that's what we're gonna [: 00:16:00

Now when you imagine a child, and I also wanna be very clear, this is not about shaming parents. I do truly believe that most of our parents did the best they could with the tools and resources and knowledge they had at the time. Um, but if you imagine a child that grows up as a caregiver who was unpredictable, maybe critical or dismissive.

, It's easy to see how this child learns that being compliant is safer than resisting. And our nervous system in our brain, en coats, pushing back equals danger. Being compliant equals survival, and that's the pattern we're gonna operate from. And on the other hand, if you imagine a child whose boundaries are consistently respected, they're allowed to say no.

ed or punished for asserting [: 00:17:00

And then on top of that, we're adding to that the gender norms, because oftentimes girls are more explicitly or implicitly rewarded for being nice, accommodating, or self-sacrificing. While boys are often more encouraged to be assertive or even confrontational, and that conditioning doesn't disappear when you get a paycheck or start work, it just shows up in the conference rooms.

And then on top of that, women of color, L-G-B-T-Q or women with disabilities face even harder consequences for asserting themselves, reinforcing they have to be even more cautious.

liar with this, besides the. [: 00:18:00

And if this is how you kept caregivers regulated or is kept yourself safe and in connection to your caregivers, that becomes automatic. It becomes a reflex no matter who you interact with, even if those are not your parents anymore, and even if your life doesn't depend on them anymore,

and really it's not irrational to respond that way. It's the wiring of our brain that moves our responses much faster than our conscious thought. And as you can see. It automatically happened to me two days ago, but then the next day when I was able to have some ness think about it, I was like, oh my God, I should have responded differently.

d was my automatic ingrained [: 00:19:00

'cause we didn't choose this. I wasn't like, oh, please let me be the not assertive non boundary person on this planet Earth. Please, no. We adapted to what we had to adapt to and that adaptation saved us.

else. It is about reclaiming [: 00:20:00

Now in a perfect world. We wouldn't have to worry about this because every workplace would feel safe. Managers would give feedback with respect. Leaders would understand that people do their best when they feel supported and not when they're ashamed or scared. Colleagues would speak to each other with kindness even when they disagree.

That would be ideal. That would be perfect, but unfortunately, that's not the world we live in. Especially in corporate America, there are so many people who see kindness, compliance, or gentleness as weakness, and they sense when someone struggles to set boundaries and instead of respecting that, they lean on it, reinforcing those patterns that we already struggled growing up with.

for people is one the Bully [: 00:21:00

Yes. The person I talked to two days ago. Yes. Then there's also the credit stealer that they repeat your ideas as their own because they sense that you won't fight them on it. Then we have the boundary testers who are just keeping keep piling on work on you ignoring your workload because they know you'll just say yes.

ve experienced all of those, [: 00:22:00

. Obviously it's the most vulnerable employees that suffer the consequences, and they don't pick on the vulnerable employees because they're weak. No, we already covered it. They're not weak, but because these people are opportunistic, some people have learned, I don't know if that consciously or not, that they can get away with more than others.

Stay quiet. And they mistake your survival strategies for permission, permission to be mean or treat you in a way that you don't deserve to be treated, but that is on them. That is truly their lack of integrity, their abuse of power, and their failure to lead with basic humanity. It shouldn't be that way.

And the thing that [: 00:23:00

because we grew up with the exact survival strategies that we needed to survive as children, and those exact strategies now. Make us a vulnerable target to be exploited or be treated the way we shouldn't be treated in the workplace. And unfortunately, that can even be retraumatizing.

It can reinforce that the the lie that's standing up isn't safe and it makes the upper climb feel even steeper.

And I really hope that this will help you drop. Some of the shame or some of these shoulds that you might be feeling because you are not the problem. You are not the problem whatsoever. Here. The people who abuse their power, it is, they are a problem. Workplaces that tolerate disrespect, they are a problem.

s aggression over compassion [: 00:24:00

And the biggest problems are leaders who choose their authority to harm others instead of support others. So now that we took all of this apart, and the biggest piece I wanna keep emphasizing is, again, it's not strong worth this week. It's not that you're not as good as they are. It is practice safety versus learn survival.

We're not starting from an equal point in life. None of us do. And the more practiced safety you have, the more confident , the more you can be assertive. The more you can set boundaries, the more you have to learn how to survive. The harder. All of this is. But as I already said, thankfully we can change.

work that I've been doing so [: 00:25:00

Sometimes it takes me a day or two to get there. So the first step that I recommend if you want to grow in this area is to stop fighting with yourself and naming where you're at without shame. And it helps to write these things down. It could be something like, yes, I struggle to set boundaries because my body learned that staying quiet was safer.

You're doing something new. [: 00:26:00

The second step is to learn how to ground and build a sense of safety in our body, because we cannot send boundaries if our nervous system is in panic mode. If you're in that fight or flight response. So now looking back at , what happened to me two days ago, if this happens again, I know now that the first thing I'll do is to take a grounding breath.

d your body of your strength [: 00:27:00

So when you get into a situation where you are usually triggered, the first thing to do is to do something that grounds your body. To recognize those situations. It's also important to identify your non-negotiables because setting boundaries or being assertive or speaking up, it's not about saying no to everything.

you need to write them down, [: 00:28:00

So when you recognize one of your non-negotiables happening in real time, you know this happens. I need to ground myself. Take a breath before I respond and start with the easiest ones. Whatever feels the most attainable for you. And for those, then half it go to sentence, because in that moment, two days ago, my mind was blank.

e being spoken to like that, [: 00:29:00

So pick your non-negotiables and then for each, write a sentence down and practice that sentence so that you, it's so second nature that when you're in that situation, you can spit out that sentence. It's already there. And as I said, start with the lower stakes boundaries. Maybe don't start with this big mean boss.

Start with ways where you can set boundaries that teach your system. That saying no can feel safe. One I just recently learned is sending back your wrong coffee order. I was at a cafe with a friend and I, I don't drink coffee, I drink chai tea latte, or sometimes I drink decaf but I can't handle caffeine and I got a caffeine needed coffee.

tell them. My friend is very [: 00:30:00

Another small boundary you can start testing is telling a friend like, Hey, I'm sorry, but I'm too tired to hang out tonight. Just saying no to social engagements. This is something I've really built muscle memory over the last couple of years, whereas before my people pleasing part would always jump in and say, yeah, of course.

I'm like, oh my God, I don't have the energy to go there, but I have to. Now I can confidently say, I'd love to spend time with you, but tomorrow I won't have the energy to do so.

t negative consequences. And [: 00:31:00

And when it does that, you can fight back with evidence. You can have like a boundary log where you write down every time you spoke up, no matter how small it's, even if it's with your children, you set a boundary. You were assertive with a neighbor, with a friend, but keep a log of the times that you successfully did that.

Note what you said, how it felt and what happened afterwards. And then when you get really scared of like, oh, I don't know if I can push back on this, or should I say something, read the list when that thought creeps in and it's your proof that you can do this and that you are changing and growing.

one of the key strategies on [: 00:32:00

I don't think this, anyone would've thought that I could grow this much in four years. So whoever feels safe to you as a support system. Don't be afraid to lean on them. Maybe it is a trusted colleague who can back you up in meetings. Maybe it's a friend or a mentor. Maybe it is a therapist, maybe it is a career coach.

hen you set a boundary. From [: 00:33:00

They're like, uh, wait, what? She always says, yes. What? What? No. And they're gonna push back. Doesn't mean that you're doing something wrong. And the best method to use is the broken record method. Calmly, repeat your boundary without over explaining yourself something like, I understand you're upset, but I won't continue while being spoken to.

That way you can say, yes, I hear you, but I won't continue while being spoken to this way. Whatever the boundary is, instead of going into a defensive place and overexplaining it, simply calmly restate the boundary as many times as you need to. And that repetition then signals that you're actually serious without escalating it.

Also notice

repeatedly keeps crossing a [: 00:34:00

And once you have this written. Track record. Find someone who is safe to share that with. It might be hr. If you have a great HR department and they are there for the employees and support employees, go to your HR department and share that with them. If you cannot trust your HR department, which I know unfortunately is the case in some organizations, is there someone else that is safe that you can trust, a mentor, a colleague, someone in a different department so that you have some support as you take your next steps?

es is like building muscles, [: 00:35:00

Don't get hard on yourself. I could have beaten myself up about my reaction two days ago. But it's okay. Some days you'll nail it. Other days you'll freeze or stay quiet. That's okay. Every attempt counts. and even if we learn something afterwards and now know next time this happens, I will be reacting differently.

That is a big step forward.

t do this in my conversation [: 00:36:00

I didn't have almost in almost an anxiety or panic attack before saying it. I just was sitting there and said. No, this is not okay. No, and I'm so proud of myself for being able to do this now. It was unimaginable four years ago, so I won't always get it right, but every time I get it right, it's a huge milestone and something to be truly proud of.

Here's what I want you to remember from this episode. One, if you struggle to speak up at work or in your life, it's not a flaw. It's a survival strategy.

rtive, they aren't stronger. [: 00:37:00

In both of those are products adaptation not of our need worth.

And the takeaway here is you are not weak. You are brilliantly adaptive, and the good news is that assertiveness and setting boundaries are learned skills. It's not something we're born with or lacking and our system isn't broken or wrong in any way. We just need safety and practice, and we can also speak up, be assertive and set boundaries.

record time so that you can [: 00:38:00

Thank you so much for being here and joining me and listening into this episode and listening to all of it, the hard tender, vulnerable parts. Inside this episode. You are doing the work. You're already doing it, and this is something to be proud of. Keep up doing the work it is in your hands.

We are all able to change, grow, adapt, and it is truly possible for you to stand up for what you deserve, to go after what you desire, and actually find a career that makes you come alive. I'd absolutely love to help you do this, so please reach out if you'd like , personalized support and subscribe to the Career Clarity Unlocked podcast.

I will see [: 00:39:00

And that's a wrap for today's episode of Career Clarity Unlocked, if you feeling stuck in that. What's next? Spiral and are ready to finally break free. Let's chat. You can book your free career clarity call where we'll uncover what's really important to you. Tackle any obstacles holding you back and map out your best next step.

Schedule your free 30 minute call today on career bloom coaching.com and before you head out, be sure to follow us on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, so you never miss an episode. If today's conversation gave you new insights and inspiration, please leave a review. It really helps us reach more amazing listeners like you.

ith me and I'll see you next [: 00:40:00