Why You Overwork, People-Please, or Freeze at Work (And What to Do)

:: 00:00

Unlock. We're all about those light bulb moments. I'm talking to people who are still trying to figure out what they're meant to do, coaching them life to reach that magical, yes, this is it moment, and we'll also hear from those who've already found their dream careers and figure out exactly how they did it.

t you're here with me today, [: 00:01:00

That realization prompted this podcast episode. And this podcast episode is going to be different. Um, usually I am very well prepared and researched and show up this makeup today. I'm just here really raw and this all these thoughts that were flying through my head, um, coming just for my therapy session and really.

r level and then having that [: 00:02:00

Why we might be ending in workplaces that aren't aligned and that aren't right for us. And maybe some of that goes back to our early childhood. Um, and I don't know if you've heard about attachment styles before, but research has shown that our attachment style forms. By each three, and that can influence everything from our leadership style to how we handle feedback at work, and pretty much all our relationships.

zle piece that we've become, [: 00:03:00

And why this matters so much is because we often, when we talk about attachment theory, we talk about how that shows up throughout our lives, specifically in romantic relationships or sometimes in parenting. I. Um, but they show up everywhere. They show up in how you respond to authority, how you navigate team dynamics, how you handle burnout, and maybe even how you choose work in the first place.

And then when we start to understand and unravel these patterns that can get us to another level of career, clarity, healing, and hopefully finally finding work that feels safe and meaningful and energizing. So what we're gonna do in this episode, I'm gonna start to break down the basic of attachment theory in everyday terms.

yet, um, we're gonna explore [: 00:04:00

And then talk about how you can use this inside to really make radically better career decisions. And by the end of the episode, I really hope that you have an understanding of . What the attachment blueprint is in general and for you personally, that you can recognize or start to recognize how this might be shaping your career choices and what you need to know to begin making new conscious and power choices in your professional path.

reer clarity expert and five [: 00:05:00

And this episode might be a game changer for you too. My intention for this episode is to be validating, to be gentle, and to be full of aha moments. And I want you to walk away understand not just what's been happening in your career, but to start thinking about why and how we can start to change that. And before we go into that, I'm gonna start with a little bit of a background of attachment theory to the level that I have an understanding of it.

ority, feedback, boundaries, [: 00:06:00

The first attachment style is secure attachment. Secure attachment forms. When you grow up as caregivers who were responsive and consistent, the baby and the toddler , feel safe, seen, supported in the workplace. This might look like you feel confident in your abilities. You feel comfortable giving and receiving feedback.

vailable, and sometimes not. [: 00:07:00

That results out of growing up as caregivers that were emotionally unavailable or dismissive. And these children learn to self soothe and avoid vulnerability often at all costs. And then when we take that into the workplace, that can look like being highly independent, really strongly disliking, micromanagement, maybe avoiding collaboration, avoiding any kind of vulnerability.

[: 00:08:00

And that is a child who wants connection but is also afraid of it. And in the workplace that can show up as having a really deep fear of authority, of rejection or being in trouble, having very high levels of internal stress. Even in normal work situations where we might sabotage opportunities or swing between people pleasing and withdrawal, and an environment that feels emotionally unsafe even.

If it looks on the outside, like it is not that bad.

So I wanna ask or invite you [: 00:09:00

And I wanna really reassure you here. None of those are flaws. They are learned survival strategies. They helped you navigate your earliest relationships. I. And now they are your GPS. And sometimes some strategies on those GPS are outdated and not serving us the way we want anymore. And the beautiful thing is that our brain has the ability to rewire itself, to learn, to grow, to evolve.

ability to change, and that [: 00:10:00

And I'm saying this from my own experience, but we have the power to change. My own attachment style is a disorganized attachment style, and I relate to all of this very, very deeply, , and one of the big ahas that I had very recently as I was thinking and learning more about it is I have this relational terror that I'm driven by, that I have to preserve connection at all costs and. As an adult, that doesn't necessarily make much sense of why I would operate from that blueprint.

here, best podcast ever. Um, [: 00:11:00

So in early childhood, we have to mo ourselves into whatever piece can fit into that puzzle piece that can fit into our caregiver's puzzle piece, because our life depends on it. And depending on what our experiences are growing up throughout our lives, that can be even more and more reinforced.

n healing for me because now [: 00:12:00

I'm actually 40 years old, and while in the relationships are very important, not every relationship is one that my life depends on and I can make and start making different choices. And those different choices can include setting boundaries, speaking up for my needs, being okay with receiving or giving feedback, not having to prove myself or over-function constantly And I'm seeing all this as it being a really big work in progress. That's another lesson I just recently took away from the We Can Do Hard Things podcast is that oftentimes we hear people that go through a healing journey and we see the before and the after and it before was all messy and bad and terrible.

there is a very messy middle [: 00:13:00

We are doing this to keep ourselves safe and we are wired to do that. So that goes back to having compassion to ourselves. And truly every attachment style shows up for a reason. It's not that we just choose and be like, oh, I love being avoidant and taking care of all my emotions myself. Now, it was a smart adaptation, like actually a genius adaptation of our brain to keep us safe.

awareness of where you are. [: 00:14:00

So. Coming up, I wanna explore how these attachment styles might play out in real workplace scenarios and how you can start shifting those patterns for more ease, confidence, and alignment. And , early on, I brought up that analogy of the puzzle piece, and that for me resonates so deeply of how we shape ourselves like a puzzle piece to fit our earliest emotional environments.

and the baby is whole and so [: 00:15:00

When we are born , our life depends on our connection to our caregiver. That's how we are hardwired. Our brain is wired for connection. So if they are not responsive and often to no fault of their own, um, we have to mold ourselves into a piece that fits and can keep that connection. And then we become this puzzle piece and then the rest of our lives.

We walk around as this puzzle piece trying to find places we fit into. It's then just recreate our earliest experiences environments.

In. This plays out in so many ways, right? Early on we learn in order to keep that connection, we learn how do we need to be? How do we need to show up? What do we need to suppress? What do we need to hide? What do we do to get love? How do we need to act to be approved of, to feel safe? And that's when our brain learns.

You maybe have to become [: 00:16:00

It is literally how your nervous system learn to stay safe in relationships. And these strategies, again, they're not random. They are genius, intelligent responses to the emotional climate you grow up in. But then over time, that shape locks in and even after we by age, we outgrow the environment it was designed for, we're still wired and responding in the same way.

o without even realizing it, [: 00:17:00

And I want you to take a moment here to think about if this sounds familiar, do you keep ending up in roles where you feel invisible, overworked, or underappreciated? Where do you find yourself needing your boss's approval the way you once needed it from a parent? Or do you shy away from collaboration because you've always had to rely on yourself?

that I've seen with friends, [: 00:18:00

And she constantly overdelivered. She had to, like, there was, it wasn't a choice she made like, I want to overdeliver every single day. She overdelivered like her life dependent on it. Oh yeah. I was, I, I, I'm that person too, by the way. And she didn't know how to arrest. And once she gained this awareness.

erything. Even then, it hurt [: 00:19:00

And even when it led her to burn out over and over, no matter which environment, which company, which manager, which team she worked on, it was her who kept burning herself out. Another example I see quite commonly, and I'm gonna use this, um, example of my client, I'm gonna call her Jess, who would spiral if her manager gave her that vague feedback.

urprisingly, the workplaces. [: 00:20:00

or the example of avoiding vulnerability or collaboration or delegation. I. Um, i've worked with women who really pride themself on being lone wolves, not because necessarily they prefer it because early on they learned no one would show up for them.

Asking for help was a weakness, and if we asked for help, no one came. So what do we learn to do? We learn to do it all on our own. We learn that depending on others is not good. It's not a strength. It's not gonna get us respect or love or attention. So we learn to do it all on our own, and then that plays out in the workplace.

t none of these patterns are [: 00:21:00

That's then when tension shows up.

So what does this mean? One, we often repeat emotional patterns because they feel familiar and not because they're healthy. For us in the workplace can unconsciously become a reenactment of old relational wounds. Until we bring awareness to the script that we are playing out.

an stop contorting ourselves [: 00:22:00

So in this next part of the podcast, I wanna go into reframing your past workplace experiences, especially the painful or hard or confusing ones that might still haunt you to the stay through this lens of attachment so that you can let go of the shame that never belonged to you in the first place.

of your earliest attachment [: 00:23:00

They can be echoes of your earliest attachment patterns. There's also other explanations for sure, and your response to them were not defective or wrong, they were simply adaptive. I wanna pause here and really acknowledge something important. If you have ever had a painful, a confusing, and experience at work that does not feel good, first of all, you're not alone. I. I talk to so many women every day who struggle with what they're experiencing at work.

I personally have cried in the work bathroom many more times than I can count, and I know that I'm not the only one. And just the fact that we experienced that doesn't mean that we are flawed or weak or too sensitive or something's wrong with that. It often means that we are showing up as a nervous system that was trained to survive.

And it was trained to [: 00:24:00

reaction to these situations are not random. They are truly protective strategies that were wired in early and refined over the years, trying to keep us safe and trying to maintain connection.

So this attachment theory gives us a new lens to look back on those experiences. And instead of seeing that toxic manager or role as a failure or something you couldn't handle, maybe you can start to ask. What was familiar here? Why part of me was trying to earn love or stay invisible or control chaos because that's what I've always done, or because that's what felt safe to me.

lt unappreciated, it may not [: 00:25:00

And I wanna contrast that with someone with a very secure attachment style. They might go into the same situation simply knowing that they're inherently worthy and appreciated and valued, and don't feel the need to consistently overdeliver and prove themselves. Because they have that knowing inside of themselves that someone with an insecure attachment style might not have.

system that was scanning for [: 00:26:00

Do not speak up. Don't take up space. Don't make yourself known because something bad can happen and your brain is not saying that just for fun. It is because it learned at some point in your life that if you do that. Something bad happens, so now it's keeping you safe.

n, and that is leading to me [: 00:27:00

And it's been a pattern throughout my entire career, no matter where I am. And it's not that. When I go back to this messy middle, it's not that. Once I recognized it, I was like, oh, lemme turn this off and I'm all good. Now. It is a daily struggle where one part of me says, don't do this. Don't be visible, don't be seen.

This is dangerous. Don't put yourself out there. Another part is like, well, but I need to put my out self out there to prove myself, to prove my worth. And another part then steps in says like, but you have to put yourself out there. You have to prove your worth. You have to prove yourself to earn love and connection and those, these brains, if you ever saw the movie Inside Out, which I personally love and inspire, inspired by IFS, internal Family Systems, it's like all these parts that are fighting over the console and it becomes really, really overwhelming.

Very [: 00:28:00

and it could be looking similar or completely different for you. And there can be, honestly, a real heartbreak in this awareness of how we keep recreating patterns that we grew up with. And maybe you realize that you stayed too long in a role that wasn't good. Maybe that you realized you dimmed yourself down, or that you said yes to the wrong things out of fear and not in alignment.

But what's so important is that you remember that you did the best you could with the tools and awareness that you had at the time. That version of you was trying to protect you and it was doing a brilliant job protecting you in the ways it knew how to keep you safe. And now maybe this can be a start of new awareness and with that awareness, gaining the opportunities to choose differently.

e to carve out some time for [: 00:29:00

It can be, it can be, but what's matter is how it feels inside. Maybe it was something small. Maybe it was just an email that other people would've been like, whatever, nothing. This person always has something negative to say, but it hurt you on the inside. That's valid. The way it impacted you is what counts that it is valid.

n that way, or what were you [: 00:30:00

What puzzle piece were you trying to fit into?

And please let this be a moment of clarity, not criticism, because awareness is the first step to change. I truly, truly believe it. And I'll say it again, that you did the best you could with the knowledge and awareness you had at the time. And you did it. You got through these really hard times, and maybe going forward with a little bit more awareness, we can choose one tiny step at a time to make choices that bring us to healthy outcomes.

areness, you can stop trying [: 00:31:00

So now that we looked back, this compassion, let's talk how we can move forward and use that knowledge to move forward with intention. So in this next part, I'm gonna walk you through how to begin making career choices from a place of clarity and self trust instead of the automatic wiring that we might be growing up with.

So once you've recognized your attachment patterns and how they've shaped your career story, the next step is not to fix yourself, but it's to move forward with more self-awareness, compassionate agency. And if you've been nodding along or having a little light bulb go off here, there, during this episode, you've already done something really, really powerful.

eness, a real change becomes [: 00:32:00

It is a practice that takes so much strength and courage. And it's not, absolutely not about becoming someone else. It's becoming more yourself in a space that actually supports you. And I can't emphasize that enough that I. All of the work I do, the career clarity work and that self-awareness is not about you being someone else.

of that, that we can become [: 00:33:00

And once we bring this awareness into relationships or in this context, into professional relationships, we can start to react slightly different. And a really powerful technique is to pause and observe before reacting at work in whatever ways you sometimes react. Maybe it's over apologizing, maybe it's shrinking back.

Maybe it's overcommitting. Just to take a breath and ask what part of me is activating right now. Am I responding from the present or from an old script? Is this really, does this feel good in aligned in my body? And use those workplace moments. Ask hugs to check in with your nervous system.

hose patterns without shame. [: 00:34:00

And that creates space between you and the pattern. And then you can make a choice on how you run to respond to it, maybe in a new and in a more empowered way, if that feels aligned. Now, one big thing I struggle with, um, setting healthy boundaries.

Um.

ave boundaries. That's your, [: 00:35:00

So if you are the one who always says yes to everything, the first step can be to just try pausing long enough to think and breathe for a moment before agreeing to that extra task. If you are asked to take on something and you usually say yes, next time, can you pause for a second? And you, if you need more time, you can say, I just have some, have a lot of my mind right now.

Can I give you an answer in 10 minutes? You go back to your desk and you think, if I take on this task, how will this feel inside of me? Seeing what why are, why am I saying yes? Is it because of positive reason? That can be, does it give me exposure in the company? Does it allow me to be about meaningful relationships?

Then yes, there are reasons [: 00:36:00

Those are clues to pause and assess how you want to respond to that request. Or for those of us in leadership positions, we tend to avoid giving feedback. We can start experimenting and thinking about that. If we give someone , constructive feedback, what do we think will happen? And there's a part of us protecting us here that's saying like, do not give feedback.

a part of me that is really [: 00:37:00

Now I took a step back and observed my reaction to it, and I can assess if that is really likely to happen. What are the benefits of doing it? Could there be possibly another outcome? And if it still feels hard, that is okay. And then maybe you can experiment with asking for it from someone that you really trust and practice in small step.

And then also being really clear about , seeing boundaries not at WA as walls around that, but it's clarity because those. Boundaries really tell you, and they tell others, here's what I need to feel safe, grounded, and able to contribute fully. And I wish we had all managers that would respect and understand that, but truly our boundaries allow us to contribute to our full potential to perform our best work.

And [: 00:38:00

Another great strategy is to seek out supportive environments. And when you are looking at making a career change, if you're currently job seeking, really look at workplace cultures. Do they value psychological safety over hustle culture?

Do they normalize rest, growth, feedback? Do they invest in their people and not just their performance? Do they see you as a human being or do they see you as a machine? And then also , starting to recognize your self worth and knowing that you deserve to work somewhere that feels emotionally safe, not just intellectually stimulating or giving you a paycheck.

where that feels emotionally [: 00:39:00

That when we're in a similar environment again, that we deserve better. We think this is just how it is. So many of my clients, they don't believe that better workplaces exist 'cause they haven't experienced it. And if you've ever experienced that, how you are supposed to really believe that exists, that that exists.

heering me on. I am growing. [: 00:40:00

I'm getting promoted. I'm respected. Valued. It is possible. And you deserve that. You deserve that so much you're past doesn't define you. You are inherently worthy of deserving to be in environments that lift you up and make you feel good to be in. And if you're also someone who's walking that healing journey, remember that healing isn't linear, right?

One day we're up here, the next day we are down here and we'll still get triggered. We might still fall into all patterns. Yeah, I do all the time. That's not failure, it's feedback, and every other one of those moments is a new opportunity for us to show up differently. And if you just choose one in the next week, that's huge.

e self-compassion and at the [: 00:41:00

And if you know me, I'm a huge fan of mental health and therapy and therapy has been so incredibly life-changing for myself. If you feel that, yeah, that's really resonated and there seem to be some deeper roots as you were listening to this episode, maybe this is a really good time to get support therapy.

ly rooted in who you are and [: 00:42:00

You'll find the link to book a call with my team in the show notes, and I promise you, you will feel like you belong. You will feel heard and seen and supported. So as we wrap this up, I want you to remember that your old patterns don't define you. They protect you. And now as you're gaining new awareness, you get to decide what your next chapter looks like.

And you can get in the driver's seat of your career. You don't have to let it happen to you anymore. You can make conscious informed choices and stop looking for environments where you have to be this puzzle piece that you can contort yourself to fit in, and you end up being like a square peg in a round hole.

of finding environments and [: 00:43:00

It's possible for you and you can get there.

So we covered a lot today, and it means so much that you are here with me and been on this journey with me through attachment theory and all my thoughts on how this is playing out to the state in our workplace. I. We explored today how our attachment style formed very long before our first day at work, but might still be shaping the way we work, relate and respond to everything in our lives and in our careers.

we became that puzzle piece [: 00:44:00

And please, please know that you are not broken, you are not behind. You haven't done anything wrong. You are exactly. Where you're supposed to be and you've been navigating with a map that was drawn by a much younger you, but now you get to revise the route. If this episode resonated and you're ready to stop operating from a blueprint that isn't quite aligned, maybe burnout, people pleasing perfectionism, overperforming.

And you're ready to finally [: 00:45:00

To start a rethinking how you want to move forward in your career. and we'll also share with you my proven process to help you gain career clarity and record time so that you no longer have to feel lost, second guessing, and that you're not gonna have to settle anymore. The link to book our call with my team is in the show notes, and we truly can't wait to meet you, and it would mean the world to me if you try out some of the self-awareness tips that we covered today.

t before saying yes when you [: 00:46:00

Thank you so much for listening and for being willing to look at your story through a new, hopefully a more compassionate lens. This kind of work is brave. You are rewriting generational patterns and that's huge. Next week I've got something really special for you.

Again, it is a life coaching session with an incredible woman transitioning out of a decade long career in finance to launch her coaching business? We'll talk about how she found career clarity and covered her unique differentiation and why.

uck in fear, this episode is [: 00:47:00

And that's a wrap for today's episode of Career Clarity Unlocked, if you feeling stuck in that. What's next? Spiral and are ready to finally break free. Let's chat. You can book your free career clarity call where we'll uncover what's really important to you. Tackle any obstacles holding you back and map out your best next step.

Schedule your free 30 minute call today on career bloom coaching.com and before you head out, be sure to follow us on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, so you never miss an episode. If today's conversation gave you new insights and inspiration, please leave a review. It really helps us reach more amazing listeners like you.

al media. Your support truly [: 00:48:00